just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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