Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
