last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
