Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
