do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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