I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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