After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I will pee on everything he values.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
