I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Dick very happy bro
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
