So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
