Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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