But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
