Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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