I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
