omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
