So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
