Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
