did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
