If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
