my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
