I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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