I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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