apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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