Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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