my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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