HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
