Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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