How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
