just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
