last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
