my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
