I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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