She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
