They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
