Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
