If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Less talking, more tequila
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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