doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
