there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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