trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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