think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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