he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Ladies don't puke and tell
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
