You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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