This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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