just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize