we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
