why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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