You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
