I puked a lego.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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