why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
