Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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