All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
