I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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