i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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