Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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