remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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