im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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