I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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