Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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