Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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