I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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