Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
