I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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