Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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