he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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