Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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