it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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