I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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