Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
