His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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